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The Truth: An Emotional Affair with The Narcissist Part 1-5

The story I am about to share is true. Although not everyone will accept it.

Part One: Searching for Answers.

Part Two: The Things He Said.

Part Three: Ensnared.

Part Four: The Discard

Part Five: Letting Go

Part Six: A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free. John 8:32

Part One: Searching for Answers.

How it all began. I had been ghosted by a guy and I didn’t understand that kind of behavior. I needed answers and closure. 

So I went looking for answers and stumble upon a mysterious man.

The mystery man is a well-known Sociopath/Narcissist skilled in casting spells. I mean skilled in teaching others about narcissism.

I reached out to him for help unaware at the time what exactly a narcissist was. I was in the beginning stages of learning and seeking answers.

I reached out to him the (Mystery Man) many times over a two year period. I cannot share about the details of what we spoke about because that is confidential. I told him all of my weakness and vulnerabilities. I read his books and followed his social media.

Little did I know I would soon be seduced and ensnared by the world’s greatest narcissist.

 

Part Two: The Things He Said.

 Oh, the things he said. Those magical words. So enticing and hypnotic.

Look into my eyes…
Abracadabra!
Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo!
Hocus Pocus!

No one ever spoke to me the way he did.

He would say things like ” you are very beautiful, absolutely stunning, absolutely sensational, most alluring, a truly enchanting lady.”

I knew it was wrong. But it felt so good to hear those things.

 

Part Three: Ensnared.

The spell was complete. I was ensnared.

The emotional affair begins. The unexpected missed calls on Skype. The flirting. I sent pictures and videos to please him. He approved.

Because of the things he said, I was under the impression that he wanted to be in a relationship with me. I believed that I was special to him and that he would never hurt me. So I went out and purchased my passport.

The next time we spoke he mentioned the places he would take me and the things he would do to me sexually. So I undressed for him on Skype.

I waited patiently for him to tell me when that special day would happen.

Then suddenly…Just like that, I was discarded.

 Part Four: The Discard

“Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain.” -Eckhart Tolle

One moment I was the one. Then suddenly just like that all of this came to an end. He announced on his social media that he found the one he would be with forever.

This, of course, left me perplexed and heartbroken. Was this all a game? Did he use me? Why did he choose her and not me? What happened? What changed?

I tried to convince myself that I could still benefit from his social media or the services he offers. But it is just too triggering.

I was stuck unable to move forward. I tried to stay busy. I went out and tried new things, but this was just a distraction. I wasn’t making progress. I realize now that I was just killing time and not working on myself.

I finally accepted that I will never have a relationship with him. He is happy with his new supply and it is time for me to let go completely and move forward with my life. It was time to go No Contact.

Part Five: Letting Go

“All endings are beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time…” (Mitch Albom).

Letting go was difficult, but I knew I needed to do it in order to move forward.

At that moment it felt like the most difficult decision I had ever made. I needed to block him for my own personal well being. I started with my Instagram account and then I cried. That was all I could handle that day.

I found out later that I had what is called a trauma bond. At the time it didn’t make sense to me why I would still want someone who rejected me.

I have accepted responsibility for my part in this situation. I know my choices hurt others along the way. I made a mistake when I engaged in that behavior with him and I learned my lesson. I realized that I was seeking validation from him when I should have looked inside of myself. As the parable below from Eckhart Tolle’s, The Power of Now, explains…

A beggar had been sitting by the side of the road for over thirty years. One day a stranger walked by. “Spare some change?” mumbled the beggar, mechanically holding out his old baseball cap.

“I have nothing to give you,” said the stranger. Then he asked: “What’s that you are sitting on?” “Nothing,” replied the beggar. “Just an old box. I have been sitting on it for as long as I can remember.” “Ever looked inside?” asked the stranger.

“No,” said the beggar. “What’s the point? There’s nothing in there.” “Have a look inside,” insisted the stranger. The beggar managed to pry open the lid. With astonishment, disbelief, and elation, he saw that the box was filled with gold.

I am that stranger who has nothing to give you and who is telling you to look inside. Not inside any box, as in the parable, but somewhere even closer inside: inside yourself.

“But I am not a beggar,” I can hear you say.

Those who have not found their true wealth, which is the radiant joy of Being and the deep, unshakable peace that comes with it, are beggars, even if they have great material wealth. They are looking outside for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, security, or love, while they have a treasure within that not only includes all those thing but is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer.

–Eckhart Tolle

 

Since then I started focusing on me. I started working on mindfulness, self-care, inner child work, and meditation.

I am making progress and it feels so good.

I feel at peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dear Stalker

I am watching you watching me.

I feel your eyes glaring upon me.

Watching and waiting for me to make my next move.

How long will you watch?

How long will you wait?

The show is over.

There is nothing more to see.

Unless you enjoy looking at me.

How long will you watch?

How long will you wait?

I didn’t do it.

It wasn’t me.

But, you already know since you’ve been watching me.

Trying New Things

It has been a while since the last time I posted about trying new things.

My last post was my paint night adventure.

I have been so busy enjoying these moments that writing about them wasn’t my priority.

Towards the end of April, I went on the Wine Train. I had been wanting to do this for a long time and finally it was happening. The food was absolutely delicious.

In May, I flew out to Oklahoma to visit my mom and we went on a fishing trip. Best time ever. We caught all these fish in about two hours.

In June my friend took me for a ride on his Harley-Davidson. It was my first time on a Harley. We went on a short two-hour ride and he took me out for lunch.

The restaurant was unique. Money hanging in the ceiling.

We left our mark. He is a fun guy but way to risky for me.

July I went to the ocean. It was the perfect day. The ocean was calm. It was 70 degrees Fahrenheit and the water was lukewarm.

August I drove out to Southern California on a business trip.

One of the perks of working remotely is that I can travel and work anywhere there is an internet connection. If there isn’t internet I use my hot spot.

The view from my office last week.

Currently, I have worked 17 days in a row but I am not complaining.

What’s next?

I will be heading back to Southern California, soon. I will be flying and it will be for pleasure.

My goal is to try at least one new thing a month. It could be something simple like trying a new recipe, restaurant or reading a book. Or something bigger like traveling somewhere I haven’t been.

I encourage you to try something new too.

The Meaning of My Name

Just having a little fun. I looked up my name in Urban Dictionary and then made the above meme that shows the definition.

Urban Dictionary Definition:

Serena

She is a young and extremely beautiful female that any guy would be lucky to have.

She usually has long hair that is really soft and she has beautiful eyes that you would want to stare at forever.

If you happen to get yourself a Serena then cuddling is the best thing that you will want.

If you find yourself involved with a Serena make sure to never let her go because she won’t be left alone for very long.

What does Urban Dictionary say about you?

Have you ever looked up your name?

Is your Instagram account public or private?

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Photo above is from thedailydose.com

Privacy is important to me, especially in my personal life.

For awhile I had my Instagram page public, but a few months back I changed the setting to private.

You just never know who is lurking on the other side of the screen.

My account was on private and I received a request. I did not recognize the lady in the photo and did not accept the request for a couple of weeks.

Once I accepted the request I looked through her photos and I still did not know where I knew her from.

Maybe we worked together at one of my old jobs or maybe I knew her from college.

She did not post anything right away. Then one day she liked every single one of my pictures.

I thought that was strange. I started thinking maybe she was drinking or bored.

She commented on some of my pictures. Then she sent me a direct message asking where I got my tattoo work done.

She said I should post more photos of my tattoo. I said maybe someday I will.

Then a couple weeks later it suddenly dawned on me that she was a he. As I read one of her post I realized I had not been talking to her. I was talking to the man that was in the pictures with her.

I had been talking to a man the whole time. Now it all makes sense.

Have you ever had a strange experience?

What is your social media preference public or private?

Part Six: A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

I have a couple of pictures that tell a story.

You know the saying a picture is worth a thousand words.

Well one of these days I may actually post those pictures.

I have gone over and over in my head whether or not I want to post it.

I have checked my motives.

I am not angry. I do not seek revenge. I am not hurting anymore. I am not jealous. I do not want attention, especially negative attention. I just want people to know the truth.

However, the truth could cause more pain by creating drama.

Maybe it is just not the right timing. Timing is everything. It just doesn’t feel right.

Maybe I haven’t completely let go. Maybe part of me is still holding on. To what I do not know.

Sometimes I feel if I post the picture I would be very disloyal. That is probably the trauma bond.

So when the time is right I will share part six of my story. But for now I will continue to focus on me. If the time comes and I still feel the need to expose the truth then I will.

The Greatest Gift

“This is the greatest gift God can give you: to understand what has happened in your life. To have it explained. It is the peace you have been searching for” (Mitch Albom)

I choose inner peace, forgiveness, and joy.

I believe that everything I have experienced in my life was meant to happen so that I could grow and evolve.

I believe that there is a deeper meaning behind all experiences and I accept these experiences as gifts.

Inspired by Power Thoughts Meditations.